I’d like to know.

Last paper tomorrow!!!

Okay not really, but a week break is good enough! No more freakyness, I promise!

No more studying in Genting and while gambling for a while! TEEHEE.

This paper is going to be so killer killer killerish.

All we need is some ice cream and a hug.

There are cups and cups of coffee that Panty made to make sure I keep awake tonight, and then there are developed pictures of us right behind me, messages saying I’d get all the sayangs in the world tomorrow after my exam, a card he made a long time ago that I dug out, just because I was feeling lost, and Lexy sleeping on my lap.

And I’m sitting here, in between notes, thinking about how there can be so much love around me and yet so much hatred within me.

I’m sitting here, halfway through reading Porter’s value chain, thinking about why people like making me feel like I have to leave. About when friendships become like all the bad parts of relationships where it requires so much time, commitment, explanations and bad feelings. You stay despite all the problems because you love someone, but most of the time the love you feel is not enough. As much as you love, it’s not enough to cover the problems. And so you feel the need to leave. Leave leave leave.

Life becomes hard when you start to nitpick. So do less of it, let go of things that shouldn’t bother you in the first place, and let go of things that you know you can let go. Stop making it so hard. Which, come to think about it, is something I should do less of as well.

I don’t like disputes, I don’t like having to explain myself, I don’t like needing to prove I’m right. Unless you mean the world to me, do you really think I’d bother when all the good times and laugh times are being drowned under all these feelings of betrayal and disgust? Many many many laughs and spins and piggyback rides and years and years, but all those has sunk in so low, that this feels like it’s no longer worth it.

And does anybody know how hard it is to come home to a house that’s having some sort of cold war? It’s mentally and emotionally draining, what more when it’s over something so incredibly stupid. Please ma and pa, I am not used to you two being so freaking childish, so please stop it.

It is 4.30am, exams in 4 hours, I really should be studying, but my head’s only filled with melodramatic things, and coloured stars. Coloured stars are supposed to make things better, so I forced them in.

But it’s not really working.

Thanks baby for trying to carry the world for me.

I’m a new soul.

Back to realityyy!

Le sigh.

Back to school, back to meetings until freaking 7pm, back to assignments, back to annoying people, oh noooooes.

Let’s give it up for the new year.

Emo is not the way to start a new year yo!

3 years ago my new year resolution was to be less bitchy. But then I thought to myself, when have I ever been bitchy? I am really such a sweet friendly bubbly person!

Wth okay I’m not. But still. I remember being really gungho about NYRs!

And then nobody really keeps their nyrs anyway, and nobody really remembers them that well, and we only reflect upon them or even remember them at the end of the year -_-. Of course ideally we should do it throughout the year, but who is that perfect! Heehee. And it’s so routine to do a recap of the year post, so.

2007 has really been super different. It started with a huge slap across my face, and then I thought to myself “if it’s true what they say that the first day of your year will reflect the rest of the year, I am doomed”.

And in some ways I was. I had crazy crazy crazy lows. Which I over analyze a lot. I mean I’ve just always been like that, you know? Things have to go my way and they have to be perfect. So I forget the good parts, and I drive myself insane with the bad.

But when you look back at everything, things aren’t so bad, sometimes things aren’t bad at all.

So really I’m grateful for a lot of things in 2007.

Although I know I seem like the least appreciative person in the world because I never usually mention how thankful or grateful I am, and I lose everything anybody give me or damage them really badly because I’m just so disorganized and messy and clumsy, and I forget where you take me and the dates you did, and so at times like these when I want to seem like I really am thankful and I want to list down things I remember or photos of things I have, I can’t. Do you believe me if I say I really am grateful even though I don’t remember it?

So can I just be thankful for you?

BB – Thanks for the BBism.

(You know we’ll survive long distance for sure because I think I see you the least but how come I love you the most wth. I want all the bests for you especially for the mouth to be cleaned so you won’t talk about all the getting married type things so irritating one, btw I am not the one with a 5 and a half year relationship wth.)

ChewDrew – Thanks for the fact I’m able to say ‘is there a time where I don’t know you’?

Beks – Thanks for being the nicest person ever, and for helping me through you know what through you know how hahaha.

Sance – Thanks for being there always, body, mind or soul.

MarsBar – Thanks for giving me a place to runaway to.

Lulu – Thanks for always being the big brother I never had.

RyBy – Thanks for the piggyback rides.

Dada – Thanks for the late night drives to nowhere.

Scotty – Thanks for the millions of ears.

Sulie – Thanks for being my twin.

Leo – Thanks for being younger!

Janey – Thanks for your scary driving and telling me its time to grow up.

Ken – Thanks for the warmest hugs.

Kakak – Thanks for taking care of me for 18 freaking years.

LiEw – Thanks for loving rainy days.

JamieS – Thanks for never turning down ice cream.

Jay-Ann-Dia – Thanks for forms 1, 2 and 3.

ET – Thanks for being the stranger when I needed one.

Fatso – Thanks for not hating me.

Cal – Thanks for still being nice.

Siesie – Thanks for always ‘opening the hotline’.

Ze – Thanks for stressing together and studying together and classes together.

Chelley – Thanks for all the calls and all the concerns.

Matt – Thanks for letting me make fun of you.

Danny – Thanks for the long drives with good music.

Jian – Thanks for seeming like a real cousin.

Marcus – Thanks for always remembering.

CJ – Thanks for being my Michael-Jackson-loving buddy!

Eric – Thanks for saying you’d let me be your tour guide.

Nicky – Thanks for primary school times!

Zims – Thanks for reminding me to go to church.

Hair – Thanks for telling me wordy blogs are sexy wth.

God – Thanks for loving me unconditionally, even though sometimes I seem to forget you and seem like I don’t love you back.

Did I forget anybody? Have I got it covered and seem noble and thankful enough yet wth just joking! -_- You know it’s so much harder to remember the better things people do, and much harder to forget the worser things. And I really wanna put on everybody that matters but I’d never be satisfied with the list anyway, so here’s to those! : D

And my familyyy. Thanks Dy for always willing to listen to every detail, thanks Ma for being more supportive than ever, thanks che for being the best older sister in the whole wide world, thanks Esther for teaching me patience wth.

And my Panty for well, loves.

Nightey everybody, have a great 2008!

Dear me.

It’s a few hours into the new year, and it really really really is 2008 now!!!

So it’s time to forget things you shouldn’t remember in 2007, and make way for chunner things!

No, really. Stop nitpicking when things are not perfect. Stop thinking about how they should have been. Stop imagining how they could have been. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t help the heart nor the mind nor the soul.

All it does is tire you out, and then make you have all these crazy mood swings. You really waste too much time digressing over unnecessary matters.

Carpe diem, seize the day, whatever.

Besides that you can also try being less proned to accidents -_-.

—

Anyways I hope everyone has a super chun new year! I hope I can grow taller this year wth.

Winning days are gone.

It’s simple.

All you need to do is stop caring. About who’s right or who’s wrong.

There’s almost never who’s right or who’s wrong. Really, 99% of the time it doesn’t matter. Everyone’s going to sound right to the people you tell things to. We’ll include our righteous moments and other people’s insane moments, and then it goes on and on and on and on and isn’t everybody sick of this already?

Honestly I don’t want people to tell me I’m right or I’m wrong, help me decide if it’s worth it or not, it doesn’t matter because I’m just wanting to get over this. So nobody should care what’s wrong, don’t ask me what’s wrong, because if you ask me to tell you what’s wrong I’m going to tell it to you in a way I’m so perfect and have done nothing worthy of anything remotely bad, and it’ll just defeat the purpose of my trying to forget about all this.

So.. happy thoughts!

I had one long, heartfelt talk that was supposed to put me to sleep, but then I decided to spin for hours on the hill top, the stupidest but yet the most calming thing to do ever! We got sugar high on too many Ribena mobiles. And you just stop and think, how can Ribena make people so happy!

We set fireworks off in the middle of the night, did anyone hear or see my pretty fireworks? And do you know that you stop being worrysome without your handphone sometimes? I remember the time they made us put it away in camp, and I thought I was going to be so annoyed, but it turned out to be really just, relaxing, or something.

We left ours at home, no sense of time, no contact with anyone else, then we sat on grass and wrote letters to people we loved and flew them off the hill in paper aeroplanes. I don’t think they got very far, but who really cares. We’ll go look for it one day! There’s one for you out there BB and Beks and Sance and I wished I wrote for everyone because I haven’t been loving these weeks, but love just got sickening after a while.

Before you know it the sun rose and you just wonder where the hell did all those time go to? Is it really possible to just talk for hours and hours about everything in the world except for the one thing that’s bothering you?

Then we watched Enchanted again, and then I was giving my point of view on which ADP is the best, trying to cook a decent meal, anything irrelevant, and then when I finally thought I was ready, I came home.

To my sister telling me my phone had too many calls and messages and was freaking annoying, and then I checked them possibly with this tiny pinch of hope, and there’s none, none from you.

And then I know why I stopped talking about the subject. Talking is only when there’s still hope,

and now there’s none.

A waste of paint.

Feeling particularly upset about nothing now.

Or maybe about everything. I don’t know.

It’s just one of those moody nights when I turn to ribena in parks for help of feeling less cranky, even if only slightly, but I’ve grown out of that.

That’s what it’s like right. That’s what life’s like. You’re forced to grow out of things you’re used to. On a night like this I’d probably pick a fight with my sister for no apparent reason, get my mom yelling at me, and then slam the door and whine to somebody about how everything bad happened tonight, exaggerating people’s actions and purposely leaving out points where I started it, so I sound like the most pitiful girl in the world.

It’s not that people don’t listen anymore. Because honestly who doesn’t have true friends? People say that true-real-die-for-you friends are hard to find, but it’s only because it’s crazy hard to be one. It’s tedious and it sucks the hell out of you, so most people pick a few, people you really like best. But in reality everybody is a good friend. It just depends on who you’re going out of the way for.

I guess it’s more of being older. Even if you’re allowed to act unreasonably, you don’t overdo it anymore. When you were younger you’d scream the loudest, now you just hold back because it’s not appropriate. Your mom’s not going to disown you if you yell at her like you used to. She’ll do the same thing. Yell back at you then forgive you later like old times. But it’s just at the back of the head that you know better than to throw unnecessary tantrums. And then you save if for a day that’s more deserving of drama wth.

And so today I’m not picking a fight with anybody.

Instead I’m just sitting here, trying to keep my mind blank of all stupid things but all these numbers keep coming to me. 12 digit numbers of my bank account, my sister’s bank account, my boyfriend’s back account, his credit card number, my classmate’s handphone number, the 21 digit shell card number, random 9-digit figures from my last accounting assignment.

And I’m just wondering, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.

Is this what I have to resort to? To these numbers to keep my mind occupied? Am I really a sucker for drama? When life gets too mundane and school and life in general is going well, why do I have to have to have to look for something to worry me.

I don’t really get why I’m feeling like this, because I don’t ask for that much. Of course I reach the point of unreasonable demands from panty and che and well.. the entire family, but other than that I really don’t need that much.

I don’t even aim for much in life. I’ve always wanted to be passionate about being successful, but truthfully it’s not in me to want that. If I’m looking 10 years forward, I’m praying to be retired with kids. Things that bring me real joy, I’m not the type who’d want to climb the corporate ladder and be known for something great, I’m homely and I just want to be happy.

It’s almost like I’m in this course just so I’d graduate and get a degree. People say it’s hard to do something you don’t feel passionately about, but I don’t feel passionately about careers in general, so what am I going to do? I just try to do what I can, although most of the time half-heartedly, but it gets so taxing. Nights when you ask yourself what the hell you’re doing in the business field when you’re not the least bit business-y.

It gets so burdening when you question yourself. Is it what you really want for your life? Will it make it more satisfactory? And at times like these you rushily go through your daily errands, wondering why you are trying to maintain that stupid 70%, and if it’d really be worse in the semesters to come.

I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I know if I re-read what I’ve written I’d delete it, so why don’t everybody just be hushhush about this in case I want to read it in a month from now wth.

<3

Hi! Today is Sunday, the no-need-to-do-anything day if you remember *giggles*.

Except I have an assignment due tomorrow so I have to finish it later, damn killjoy one lo this whole university thing.

Today Ma was in a good mood so for the first time THIS YEAR, she brought us shopping. As in her, in the mall with us, instead of us being given super limited cash or telling her all about how we’re gonna pay first through the phone -_-. I know I know, it is damn sad. Today is also the day I realise that I will NEVER pressurize my mother to bring us go buy things anymore. Psht, she gets so anal when she’s in a hurry, and she is 23502374235 times worst than me lo, if you think I am anal (which you should not). Anyway I managed to get some things and a 3/4 pants which I think I look damn short in, but it’s buy 2 free 1 and my mother is in a rush ma! Plus I realise I don’t even HAVE any 3/4 pants *cries, not that I ever liked them, but still, so pityful one. I don’t get to buy that many things at all you know. I don’t know why people think I buy things! I buy maybe like, 15 things MAXIMUM a month. Except when I get my pay, then maybe maximum 25 (a MONTH ok not a week), but it’s not like I buy something new everyday and need to constantly go shopping or whatever. I am no shopaholic, and that’s one of the reasons my Daddy loves me! *smug look wtf*

So back to what I wanted to blog about, Happy 13th my panty!

There’s no one auntier than you, and where else will I find somebody who forces people to wash their already clean hands with extra soap or read my textbook out loud because my eyes cannot open or bring self cooked food to feed me when I work except in Auntyland hehehe! No la no la kidding la kidding la *nudge nudge*. Loves you most!

You’re every line.

Ergh, officially the first day of my holiday and no sleeping in?!

Although then again for the past few years I’ve been past that sleeping in phase, I don’t really get up past 10.30 unless I’m tired until want to die. So I got up at 7. Then I slept until 8. Then I couldn’t sleep for a while, then I slept until 10.

Daddy just messaged me with “since you are awake now, do you need breakfast?”

To which I happily and eagerly replied, “how did you know I am already awake!!!!”

“by replying my message.”

Wth!

Pui him.

I have so many things to do, but aren’t I supposed to have nothing to do!

I have to finally clean my room because “I am studying for exams now!” is not going to work anymore. I have to clear my old books because Mummy is being very pms-y about it. I have to throw away half my closet because I don’t like them anymore and then I can look like I have really no clothes and buy more! I have to pack for the trip tomorrow, and I hate packing. I never pack until the day itself, and I never pack without missing a few items.

I have to go buy graduation stuff today, which is such a hassle loh this lousy chaubeh low cost graduation. I don’t get to wear a robe also pui.

Omg I promised myself to be less whiny after A2, but do you also know that I still cannot find my black colour thing, so sad : (.

You know those times, times when you’re just so sure that nothing’s going to make you happier, you don’t even try. Instead you bring yourself lower and lower by doing everything possible to make things seem worse, but at the end of it you don’t really know what’s wrong either.

Tonight’s that kind of night.

Today’s that kind of day.

At first I was the saddest girl in the world. Then all I felt was rage. I was so angry at everybody and everything, and I didn’t even really know why. You just want to scream into your pillow and pull all your hair out and kick the hell out of everything.

One thing though, never go around taking your anger out on anybody, because not everybody will take it in like a brick.

In fact sometimes it feels like nobody will. Nobody’s going to sit there while you’re going crazy and getting crazier by the minute, love you and hug you and tell you that things are okay. People are not that stupid. People are just going to get fed up because you don’t even know what’s wrong with you, and there’s no reason for them to stay while you’re acting up.